Archive for February, 2007

The Captain Has The Blahs And The Rants

Days until I am married:  235

Current weight:  181

Today is President’s Day, the second most pointless government holiday.  It ranks slightly higher than Veteran’s Day.  Given that I will have off these two holidays for the rest of my life since I will be working for the government until I retire, I have been pondering the pointlessness of them for the last two hours straight.  I determined that Veteran’s Day is more pointless for the following reasons:

1.  It’s a less cool version of Memorial Day.  It plays Skeet Ulrich to Memorial Day’s Johnny Depp.

2.  It’s in November, a month that already has two holidays.  What would be cooler than having three days off in November?  Having one day off in August.

3.  It’s on the 11th, as opposed to say the first Monday or Friday.  The only thing lamer than a Friday off in November is a Tuesday off in November.

4.  The government spends one day symbolically honoring veterans, and then promptly goes back to ignoring them until Memorial Day.  Like a federal holiday will somehow make up for providing shitty health care and lousy pensions to veterans.

President’s Day is also pretty useless.  It’s not even on an actual President’s Birthday and it’s sole purpose is to honor people who have already been honored enough.  It’s like boss’ day, only these white guys are older.  However, given that I have spent the day on the couch in my underwear, I guess I should get down off my soapbox.

This past week was magically uneventful.  The weather down here is lite years better than up north, yet it’s still not pleasant.  As such, I’m getting a watered down case of the winter blahs.  I had to totally cancel my weekend boating plans because of the weather, doesn’t that sound terrible!

Well, don’t feel sorry for me, feel sorry for all of the poor bastards that went to Mardi Gras in St. Louis this past weekend.  I was bummed out I wasn’t going to Mardi Gras until I heard that it was supposed to be freezing and snowing the nite before the parade.  Inevitably, everyone I talked to said they still had a good time, and that the cold weather couldn’t stop the party, blah, blah blah.

Yeah, nothing beats chicks in full length winter coats taking 2 ½ minutes to unwrap a boob with a rock hard nipple.  I’m aware that any party can be somewhat cool, but anyone who claims this year’s Mardi Gras was still awesome is full of shit.  That’s the equivalent of saying “Last year I had sex with these two hot models on 4th of July, this year I got a hand job from a fat chick, but it was still awesome!”  Admit that Mardi Gras 2007 was a poor man’s Mardi Gras 2005 and move on.

ANYWAY, I was discussing my watered down winter blahs, which I will refer to as blahs.  I’ve become so accustomed to the nice weather in Florida that I feel a bit lost.  While it’s true that I was bitching in December about the lack of seasons down here, I guess what I was saying is “Why can’t it always be between 75 and 85 degrees?”

I expect shitty weather in St. Louis, it’s the friggin Midwest.  However, the whole reason people move to Florida is for the weather.  Adding to my blas is the fact that everyone’s grandmother has set up shop down here in the past month.  The roads, restaurants, and lines at the grocery store are currently packed with senior citizens.  And these are the worst kind of old people – rich old people.

There is no one on the planet with a higher sense of entitlement than a rich old person.  They always demand the best available and they want it first.  This becomes a big problem when 40 entitled seniors show up at a restaurant at the same time.  Rich old people love to order something that’s not on the menu and then get upset if it takes longer than five minutes to cook.

I’ve been bitching about old people for years, and Florida has only made it worse.  The old people down here really believe in the ridiculous notion that they were the “greatest generation.”  Yeah, so you survived the depression and fought in World War II.  You also wouldn’t let black people use public pools or drinking fountains, made gay people afraid to exist, and built enough nuclear weapons to blow the world up a hundred times.  Anyone who claims the 40’s and 50’s were the “good old days” and that we need to return there is either delusional or extremely naïve.

Geez, there I go again, this is a rant kind of Monday.  I’ll focus on the positive things from last week.  I lost another pound, which is great.  I was hoping to make it under 180 pounds by next weekend, but I’m not complaining.  This past week I finally sent out the Save the Date’s for our wedding (or the STD’s as I have been referring to them.)  I realize that some people who are reading this maybe thinking “wait, I didn’t get a Save the Date, when will I be getting mine?”  If this is you, then it means one of two things:  It will be arriving soon, or you’re not getting one.

Unfortunately, I am not able to invite everyone I know to my wedding.  If you’re one of the people I am unable to invite to the wedding, please do not feel slighted.  Here are some reasons not to be offended:

1.  We simply cannot afford to have a wedding with several hundred guests.  Most couples don’t invite everyone they know.  We are trying to keep the guest list around 100, and we both have lots of family to invite.

2.  None of the bridesmaids are single.  Well, Megan’s 12-year-old niece is single, but she doesn’t count.  This is Florida, not Georgia.

3.  There is an off chance that I secretly hate you.

4.  Also, there is an off chance that I never got over the time you punched me/hit on my sister/ put my hand in warm water while I was sleeping/ caught me hitting on your sister/ bought me a gift from Walmart.

Whew, time to catch my breath, from panting not from ranting.  After I typed the last paragraph, I realized it was time to go run.  I just ran four miles, took a shower, and sat back down for some more rants.

Actually, saying I ran four miles is a bit misleading.  My four mile run is actually more like a mile run, followed by a half mile walk, followed by a mile run, followed by another half mile walk, and ends with a final mile run.  See, the middle of my running route involves a very steep bridge.  One day I hope to build the endurance to run up the bridge, until then I walk up the bridge.

I tried running up the bridge once, but it kicked my ass.  Also, I kinda felt like the little yodeling guy going up the mountain in that one Price is Right game.  Not to say that I was worried about falling off when I reached the top.  More like it felt like my actions would lead to failure.  One day that bridge will be mine.

During my run I felt both the blahs and the rants at different points, and they both had to do with the weather.  Right now, it is sunny, 60 degrees, and quite windy.  This is the weather I am hoping for during my St. Louis trip next weekend, yet here it gave me a blah.  Looking at the other people out walking and running made me want to rant.

No one here knows how to dress weather appropriate.  The people who live down here year round are acting like it’s Antarctica.  They wear heavy winter coats, scarves, and gloves in sixty degree weather.  Conversely, people who are in town visiting are acting like it’s the Bahamas.  The wear short, sandals, and tank-tops in the same sixty degree weather.  Yesterday I actually saw a woman in a parka walk past another woman in a bikini (not an exaggeration.)  Everyone should put on a pair of pants and a lite jacket when they leave the house in sixty degree weather.  This is not rocket science.

Well, with that final rant I will end this blog.  Three notes before I go.  First, I want to mention this week’s picture.  I found this pic when I google “Raoul” yesterday and loved it.  A duck in a captain’s hat cursing.  My life has been summed up in a Garbage Pail Kid, how perfect.

Second, I will be in St. Louis this week from Thursday nite till Sunday morning.  I will be busy most of the weekend with a wedding, but I’ll be hanging out on Friday nite, you should come join me.  I’ll post a bulletin in a minute to provide the details.  Finally, some one needs to leave a comment on this blog, or I will start becoming as self-depricating as Spillman.  This is the Captain saying over and out.


The Captain

The Captains Winter Is On A Diet

Days Until I Am Married:  241

Current Weight:  182

Getting in shape is a funny thing.  It’s been two weeks since my last writing, and my weight has remained the same.  During this time, my diet and exercise routine has remained the same as it has been since the beginning of the year.  My pants have started fitting better, and I am generally feeling better than usual.  Last week I ran a mile in 8:22, which is the fastest time I’ve had in quite a few years.  Yet, the scale remains the same.  I guess all of the crap I ate at the Superbowl party I attended must have set me back more than I thought.

Speaking of crap and the Superbowl, what a shitty game!  After hearing everyone complain about the bad weather and bad plays during the World Series, I was glad that the Superbowl turned out to be worse.  For the first time in years, I was actually rooting for a Chicago team to win something.  This was mostly because I think Lovie Smith is a great coach.  Of course the Bears were decimated like everyone predicted.  No big loss, I was just glad the Patriots didn’t win.

The Superbowl usually means that a bout winter depression is looming for me, but I haven’t really had a problem so far this year.  The weather is usually what causes me to get down, but it’s hard to complain here.  While last week was the coldest I’ve seen it down here, the temperature has yet to drop into the 30s, and the highs have still been in the 60s and 70s.  There has been a lot of rain, but I’d rather it be rain than snow.

The day before the Superbowl, Megan and I enjoyed our new favorite activity, wine tasting!  There are tons of wine tastings in Sarasota, and most of them are free.  The shop by our place has a monthly tasting with over 50 wines to sample, and they tend to pour rather large samples.  The other exciting news in our neighborhood is that they opened a grocery store within walking distance from our building.  Walking to the store rules almost as much as free booze!

Megan’s Mom was in town this past weekend to help Megan pick out her wedding dress.  I took her out on the boat on Sunday and had a great time yet again.  The breeze off the bay has made boating a bit chilly, but it is still hella fun.  I can’t wait to take the boat out when the weather warms back up.

Besides that, missing Mardi Gras this year has been on my mind.  So In honor of Fat Tuesday next week, I am sharing my “Fat Elvis” picture from my work badge.  This was taken right before I moved to Sarasota, which was the heaviest I’ve ever been.  Viewing that picture alone has been enough motivation to get back in shape.  The funniest thing about the pic is that the shadows make it look like I have huge sideburns, hence the “Fat Elvis.”

However, this pic is nothing compared to my Mullet Trucker’s License.  One day I will dig that up and collectively blow everyone’s mind.  Until then, you’re on notice.


The Captain

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