Archive for January 22nd, 2008

The Captain Takes A Rare Survey (and completely makes-up the last question)

1. Would you chew gum after someone else already has?

I prefer not to have to chew anything.  I order all of my food pre-chewed, really saves time.

2. What song describes your relationship status?

Fat and Married – MU330

3. How much does your dog weigh?

Megan desperately wants to get a toy fox terrier, and they weigh under 10 pounds.  But I am a heartless man, so this is not going to happen.

4. Are you a heart breaker, or the broken heart?

Seeing has I have no heart, I would have to say breaker

5. Ever been skinny dipping?

I went through a streaking phase in high school, so I’ve done way more activities naked than most people have, swimming being one of them

6. Earrings or necklace?

I don’t wear jewelry, except for my heavy, heavy wedding ring.  On women, I prefer necklaces to earrings.  Earrings make women look whorish.

7. Who have you talked to most today?

The secretaries in my office.  They helped me with some formatting issues.  It still feels weird to delegate work to other people, no matter how tedious the task.

There was no number 8, so I made this one up:

8.  Friend most likely to stab a hobo?

Definitely BlastMaster Tim.  It’s his hobby.

9. Friend of the opposite sex that lives closest too you?

That would be Mark’s lovely wife Johanna.  She will be out of town this weekend along with my wife, which means its time to drink and play poker with the guys.

10. Color of your shirt?

Black, of the “washed too many times so it kinda looks grayish” variety

11. How many years have you taken a language?

I took three years of high school Deutsche, and all I really remember is “Ich Bin Herr Kartafelkoff”  and “Ich habe barenhunger”

12. Who’s on speed dial 2?

Mr. Spillman.  I put him there back in 2005, when his life really was number 2.

13. What color is your background on your computer mainscreen?

Boring Blue

14. Do you wish on 11:11?

I had no idea that was supposed to be lucky.  Who decided that?  It seems rather arbitrary.  Why not 1:11?  Or 7:77?

15. Good advice if you ever go camping?

Don’t get on the back of a 4-wheeler when a heavily intoxicated guy offers a ride.  Trust me on this one.

16. Are you A BAD influence?

I wouldn’t necessarily say bad, but I definitely wouldn’t say good.  I’d say I’m a strong influence.

17. What color are your eyes?

Right now they are greenish with brown speckles.

18. Would you rather have your name or your siblings name?

I think Catherine Paul Charles has a certain ring to it, so I’ll say theirs.

19. Would you do anything for someone?

I wouldn’t even do anything for myself, so the chances of that happening are non-existent.

20. Have you ever been called a bitch?

I had a gay friend call me bitch once.  I promptly removed my cock from his mouth and left the bathroom stall.

21. Favorite color?

Clear-shaded free alcohol

22. Do you use smiley faces on the computer?

I think typing symbols are for people with limited vocabularies, so no.

23. What song is on?

“It’s my fault for being famous” by the White Stripes, off their killer new EP.  White Stripes with Beck, it’s win-win.

24. Are your grades good?

I consider myself a B+ student.

26. Would you date anyone on your friends list?

Seeing as I am not single, I will say no

27. Does your best friend have a myspace page?

He does, and it is full of nonsense, just like him.

28. Whose page did you visit last?

I looked at L.J.’s this morning to see if she jumped off the Charger’s bandwagon.  She had.

29. Last time you went out to lunch?

Last week with Megan to Panera.  We eat there way too often, and I assure you it has nothing to do with the over-abundance of scantily clad college girls.  Nothing.

30. Do you watch the Gilmores?

This is a guilty pleasure of Megan’s.  Mine is more like Rock of Love.

31. Have you ever enjoyed listening to Jack Johnson?

Occasionally.  He’s decent, but I would usually rather just listen to G-Love.

32. Have you ever seen or enjoyed watching the O.C.?

I actually watched the first episode by accident with Lauren while I was staying with her in San Diego.  I had the same reaction as when I accidently watched the first episode of 90210 – “This show is ridiculous, it will be canceled immediately.”  I consistently underestimate America’s love for teeny-bopper California crap.

33. Do you have one or more Britney Spears C.D.s?

She’s a musician?  I had no idea.

34. Which radio stations are your favorites?

I like the one with the morning show featuring the slightly-racist-fat-guy and his wacky-yet-not-at-all-funny-sidekick.

35. Are you a Lost fanatic?

Sadly, yes.  I’m so hooked that I watch the missing pieces clips on the ABC website.  Thank god the show isn’t on weekends, so I don’t have to feel as pathetic as the nerds who used to stay home on Fridays to watch X-Files

36. Still have pictures of your ex?

Yes, and I have a few I bet she would pay good money to have returned or destroyed.

37. Do you have a song by Ozzy Osbourne in your library?

Mama I’m Coming Home.  I prefer late-80s-bad-hair Ozzy.

38. Alanis Morsette?

This is not a question.  I don’t think she is terrible, and I was glad to see her poke fun of herself with the Humps cover.

39. Do you watch Family Guy?

Not regularly.  The show is funny, but it is also highly disposable and way too topical.

40. King of the Hill?

Also not regularly.  That’s more of my sister’s territory.

41. Do you read trashy romance novels often?

And how!  Actually, that is way my mom’s department.  She used to read so many when we were kids, she would take them to Aunite Ann’s used book store in the Florissant Oaks shopping plaza and trade them in BY THE POUND!  That’s some serious love right there.

43. Do you sing obnoxiously in the car?

Is there another way to sing in the car?  Melodically?

44. Do you sing obnoxiously in the shower when no one’s home?

Only when I sneak into other peoples houses to use their showers while their not home.  That way if I get caught, the singing will be the least of my worries.

45. Have you ever watched a little kid’s show?

I still watch Seasame Street on Noggin occasionally, and also catch Sponge Bob from time to time.

46. Have you ever pretended your crush was with you when they weren’t?

Yes.  Let’s just say I was alone and was not wearing pants.

47. Did you draw pictures for your first crush back in elementary school?

I’ve dislike drawing since the first grade.  Drawing is for people who can’t write.

48. Have you ever liked a boy but didn’t ask her/him out because you were afraid?

If your trying to trick me into admitting I’m gay, then it’s not gonna work.  I didn’t ask him out because I anxious, not afraid.  Wait, Dammit.

49. Have you ever written a poem or story about your life?

My blog is like one long, pointless, constantly updated story about my life

50. Have you ever spent over an hour thinking about nothing but a certain person?

Yes, and his name is Captain Raoul

51. Have you ever liked someone solely because of their appearance?

It was called college

52. Do you eat all the servings in the food groups on a daily basis?

That would require way more work than I typically put into food consumption

53. Are you ever a freak about cleanliness or organization?

Usually no.  However, I get a little freaky when it comes to organizing music, DVDs or books.  Not really sure why.

54. Have you ever been to South America or Africa?

Does Epcot count?  If so then I’ve enjoyed a margarita in both.

55. Do you know how to knit?

Yes, but I chose not to

56. Do you have a cell phone or iPod with a patterned cover?

I think patterned covers are silly, like vanity license plates.  Some things don’t need decorations.

57. Have you ever written love song lyrics yourself and put them in a song?

You mean like “I Want Your Sex, Megan” by George Michael?  No.

58. Do you keep a diary or journal online?

Their called blogs, and only cool people have them.  So yes.

59. When you open your closet, what is the color?

I wasn’t aware that open space had a color.  I’ll say “Snarky T-Shirt Red”

60. Baskin Robbins or Coldstone?

Megan is the one that usually craves ice cream, and she prefers Coldstone.  I don’t see what the big deal is.  They basically just make a Blizzard on slab with a putty knife.  Give me Dairy Queen anyday.

61. Physics or chemistry?

I’ll say physics, since chemistry is basically just physics anyway.  I’m a bigger fan of meteorology, mostly because I like hot chicks standing in front of green-screens.

62. Earphones or headphones?

Earphones.  Headphones make the wearer look like they are trapped in 1985, especially when they still have the fuzzy padding over them.

63. Pink or teal?

No shit, I actually had to wikipedia “teal” because I couldn’t picture it.  I am exceedingly bad with colors, so I will say neither.  I prefer solid colors to shades.

64. Earrings or a ring?

Ring.  Even though I’m still not used to wearing mine yet, it is way better than an earring.  My dad has had an earring in his left ear since I can remember.  He currently has three earrings:  a lightning bolt, a small loop, and a Dale Earnheardt “3”.  I wish I was making this up.

65. Commitment or casual dating?

Either answer is likely to get me in trouble some how, so I’m gonna skip this one.

66. Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, or Star Wars?

I would say Star Wars, but the second trilogy cancels out any coolness associated with the first trilogy.  Lord of the Rings would be cooler if it wasn’t based on the longest book full of the most boring details that I ever stopped reading.  So I guess Mr. Potter wins by default.  Not to dork out too much, but I was always more of a Dragonlance fan.

67. Fly or road trip?

I’ve done quite a bit of both lately, and I have to go with road trip.  Airports are terrible, soul-crushing places filled with terrible-yet-expensive food and the most amazingly bored-yet-rude people in the country.

68. Starbucks?

Not a coffee drinker.  Even if I was I don’t think I’d patronize Starbucks, much for the same reason that I don’t listen to NPR:  I don’t want to be THAT guy.

69. What is your favorite Disney movie?

It is a proven fact that the only two decent Disney films ever made were Jungle Book and Fantasia.  Well, the pink elephant part in Dumbo was pretty sweet…. Ok, three films but that’s it.

70.  Why does Bill feel the incessant need to fill out these damn things?

My guess would be either due insecurities regarding his genitals, his latent homosexuality, or his abundance of spare time at work.  Probably the last one.

The Captain Enjoys Staying In The Lines

I am neither mechanically nor artistically inclined.  In junior high I was forced to take an art class and a shop class.  I was exceedingly terrible at both.  My drawing capabilities would best be described as “elementary”, and the birdhouse I crafted was eventually condemned.  Since I have no idea how to create things with my hands, I do not really appreciate the beauty of craftsmanship or art.  As far as I’m concerned, it’s all magic to me.  Magic pixies enchant other people’s hands and they are able to create.  This seems like the only plausible explanation to me.

As such, I really enjoy easily accomplished activities that make me feel a teeny bit handy or artsy.  Color by numbers makes me feel like Van Gogh.  I get a pathetic sense of excitement when I purchase an item that requires some assembly.  I take pleasure in reading the directions.  I may be the only person I know that actually likes changing a flat tire.  Look at how pleased with myself I am!

Besides taking undue pleasure in simple projects, I have been busy keeping myself entertained.  My lovely wife left home for an eight-day trip on Friday.  She was in Chicago this past weekend, and is currently in St. Louis for a few days before heading back to Florida.  I have spent most of my time alone thus far doing what I would assume most men would do.  This mostly consists of staying up late drinking on the couch in my underwear while watching bad television and dumb movies.1

With so much alone time and an uncanny ability to amuse myself, I had a great weekend that is not really worth discussing.  The most noteworthy event in the last couple weeks was the return of the cows.  Sometime before Thanksgiving, the cows that lived across the street mysteriously disappeared.  This saddened me more than I would care to admit, and I felt guilty every time I ate beef in December.  About a week ago the cows mysteriously reappeared across the street, and Megan and I have been in a slightly better mood since.

While this herd is a bit louder and much stinkier than the previous herd, I am still glad the black-and-white bovine buddhas have returned.  I hope these heifers mangage to stay in the lines and don’t get shipped off to the slaughterhouse anytime soon.



1  or “living like a single man again” as Amir refers to it.

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