Archive for March, 2008

The Captain Addresses The Recent Mutiny On His Ship

I leave for a couple of weeks and this is what happens.

First let me deal with this mutinous behavior.  Apparently a certain crew member was unhappy with some of the things that I have discussed in previous entries.  Instead of leaving her thoughts in the section created just for comments, she decided to forcibly commandeer the Captain’s Quarters and use it for her own nefarious designs.  While I do not approve of such treacherous behavior, I feel obliged to answer the allegations leveled against me.

I am not anti-dog.  I happen to like canines; they are far superior to felines.  I enjoy the company of other people’s dogs from time to time, much in the same way I enjoy other people’s kids occasionally.  However, using the argument that my enjoyment of other people’s dependants implies I would like one for myself is a serious jump in logic.  Playing with a dog – great.  Owning a dog – huge pain in the ass.

As such, my resistance meter is being reinstated to 75%.  I also want to state that I am not anti-reality television.  While I admit that most of it is mind-numbing and exploitative, it can be highly entertaining if it is done correctly.  The reality television that I watch allows me to passively judge the nonsensical lives of the show’s subjects.  Rock Of Love allows me to watch trashy girls pseudo-compete for the arm of a washed-up guy in a bad wig, and laugh.  Intervention allows me to watch addicts in action and marvel at how bad their addiction has taken over their life.

My specific problem with American Idol is my inability to take the show seriously, which is the whole point of the program.  Not only is the show’s premise of turning above-average karaoke singers into stars flawed, it has been repeatedly proven false by previous winners.  If it was titled “America’s Next Great Karaoke Star” I wouldn’t mind the show nearly as much.  With my mutiny now under control1, let me address the other mutiny in my life.

Someone one has hijacked Mother Nature in St. Louis.  Last week saw a flood and a snow storm here in St. Louis.  It was a difficult weekend here in Missouri.  Check out the flood picture I took off the highway

The picture was taken off of I-44, very near the softball fields I frequented during the brief five-month period that I lived in Fenton.  The flooding was pretty bad, but not nearly as bad as the coverage in the media.  The article I read about the flooding in Valley Park on showed a picture of a feedmill and a flooded semi and made it seem like it was all happening in the middle of a rural area.  Valley Park is in the County.  Thanks for portraying us as a bunch of hicks, we can’t get enough of it.  Less damaging but far crazier was the snow on Easter.  Look how confused I am.2

At this point you may be confused as to why I was in St. Louis this past week.  To make a long story short3, I started my job early.

I chose to fly back to St. Louis and work in my new office for two weeks before the move back.  I’m flying back to Florida on Saturday, with my anticipated return being April 3rd.  Let me take this opportunity to invite everyone reading this to come and personally greet me when I return on April 3rd, and also to help me unload our U-Haul.  Megan and I can use all of the help we can get.

Speaking of Megan let me go on record as saying that I was actually impressed that my lovely wife hacked into my blog.  I probably deserved what I got.  She is wonderful and I miss her a great deal, especially since I’ve only seen her for two out of the last eight weeks.  Soon we will be back together here in Missouri, and then she’ll really be stuck with me.


The Captain

1  I also elected to change the selections on the side bar of the blog back to more reasonable choices.

2  I tend to make this face a lot, but it is actually appropriate in this situation.  And yes there is a dog in the picture, but it’s someone else’s!

3  Too late.

Megan Hacks Into The Captain’s Blog

Well, well, well….I’ve been threatening to do this for some time. But The Captain said I’d never figure out how to break into his blog.  Well,  seeing as he’s left me alone yet again while he’s living it up big in St. Louis, I’ve had some time to figure this out.  So first things first.   Let’s get this whole dog thing straight.  He may go on and on about how he’s too big a man to get a weenie dog but I know deep down he really wants one.  I have it on good authority that he’s been caught snuggling with my mom’s chihuahua on several occassions. Just check out how much his resistance to owning a dog has gone down in just one week.  And the type of dog we’ve been looking at is not your typical girly, dress-up-in-adorable-sweaters kind of dog (well, maybe a little bit). Here is the picture of the toy fox terrier I’d like to get. Seriously, how can you look at this face and not love it?

While addressing the dog issue was definately my priority in breaking into this blog, there’s a few other things I’d like to clear up while I’m at it.  First of all, I do not have not ever made him watch any TV show, let alone reality shows like American Idol.   All of you who know The Captain, know that he loves nothing more than to find something that he can bitch endlessly about (not that I don’t, but we’re not talking about me here).  So while he may whine about watching shows like American Idol, his insationable appetite for things he can 1)complain about or 2)blog about or 3) somehow blame me for,  wins out every time.  And speaking of reality shows, it’s interesting that he went on and on in a recent blog about how bad they are for society yet mentioned nothing of the fact that he currently has 6 episodes of Rock of Love , 3 episodes of The Real World , and about 10 episodes of Intervention sitting on the DVR as we speak.  American Idol may not be the most sophisticated show on the planet, but compared to those trashy Rock of Love girls, it may as well be Masterpiece Theatre.  I think this picture pretty much explains it all...

I guess this is the portion of the blog where The Captain usually informs everyone what he’s been up to lately. I won’t bore everyone with the details but let’s just say it’s included it’s fair share of shopping, dog hunting, and oh, yeah lots of packing.  I’d display some pictures of my fantastic Tallahassee adventures but , alas, he took the camera with him to STL.  So since I’ve got no exciting pictures to fill the space I will have to call the blog quits at this time.  I will say that despite the fact that he’s actually a dog-loving reality-tv hound, I love The Captain more than anything and am looking forward to joining him back home in St. Louis soon.

Arrivederci (I can’t say”Ciao” since that’s his line)

–The First Mate (A.K.A. Megan)

The Captain Says Goodbye To Florida And Hello To St. Louis

With our time in Florida drawing close to an end, Megan and I decided to spend one more weekend in Orlando enjoying all that this state has to offer.  For us that means premium outlet malls, Disney World and spring training baseball, in that order.

Normally Megan is more of the outlet mall shopper, but this time around it was me.  My new job requires me to dress rather professionally.  This is not exactly my forte, which makes having a wife quite handy.  She helped me select some professional clothing, and even left enough time for me to browse the Converse outlet.

We stayed at Disney World again thanks to the graciousness of Megan’s parents.  This time we stayed at the beautiful Saratoga Springs, right across the lake from Downtown Disney.  If you’ve never been to Downtown Disney you should definitely check it out.  It’s look like a bunch of corporations got together and agreed to let a nine year old design their outdoor mall.  Lots of bright lights and neon, lots of huge tacky stores filled with touristy nonsense, and lots of quirky chain restaurants.

The other big part of our weekend focused on baseball.  The Cardinals were in Orlando to play the Braves at Disney’s Wide World of Sports Complex.  Although it was the Braves’ spring training facility, you wouldn’t have guessed based on the large number of St. Louis fans in attendance.  The fans made quite a showing.  The team, not so much.

Most of the Cardinals hitters looked pretty sharp, especially Rick Ankiel and Brian Barton.  They got off to a quick two run lead facing Tim Hudson.  Then Cardinals pitching came in to confirm my fears.  Clayton Mortensen started the game and was not very impressive.  Then LaRussa put Izzy on the mound in the fourth inning and reminded me why I dread him.  Izzy walked the leadoff man, gave up a hit, and then left one over the plate for a three-run homer.

After that, the rest of the game didn’t really matter.  The only thing worth noting is that our much-hyped rookie Colby Rasmus was not impressive.  He missed a crucial catch in center field, and struck out with two on and two out.  He’s gonna need to step up if he wants to fill Edmonds shoes.1

Despite the 5-12 loss, Megan and I still had a great time.  The weather was gorgeous and it’s always fun having a bit of St. Louis here in Florida.

After the game we relaxed at a Disney pool for a couple of hours.  As you can see, trying to take a picture at Disney without kids doing handstands is difficult at best.

Before we left Orlando we found time to hit another outlet mall and even found time to catch one of the new rides at Disney.

As you can see, the looming recession has already hit Disney World pretty hard.  They’ve really scaled back their theme parks.2

Our weekend was really the best way for us to enjoy Florida one last time and get excited about moving back to St. Louis.



1 Jimmy struck out all the time with two on and two out.  But at least he always made the big catches.

2 Actually taken in front of a Dollar General here in Tallahassee.

The Captain’s Eyes Have Been Violated By Rupert Murdoch

After watching another nite of reality programming on FOX, I feel the need to wash my eyeballs.  Last nite was the worst!

First up was Moment Of Truth.  Having never seen the show, I had no idea what a sleazefest was in store.  As previously mentioned, a guy I knew in high school named Mike Greenland was on the program.  This was the only reason I watched said show.  I thought it would be entertaining to watch him feel embarrassed.  I was wrong. It started out funny, especially the part about the wax replica of his dick.

Then the show dove straight for the gutter.  The questions about his wife’s sisters were bad enough, but bringing out his father was just simply terrible.  This was compounded by the fact that the host is a total sadomasochist and the crowd was straight out of a Roman coliseum.  Cruel stuff.

To clarify from my last post, I have no personal grudge against Mike.  He was always nice to me, and seemed like a generally decent chap.  To me he was the guy who breezed through high school without a care in the world.  This was definitely not my high school experience.

As such, I thought watching a guy with such an seemingly easy life feel uncomfortable would make me feel better about dealing with the struggles I’ve had throughout my life.  This was not the case.  I wound up feeling pretty bad for Mike.1

Even if I hated the guy, I’d still feel bad for him after watching that show.  The lengthy pauses combined with the melodramatic, over-the-top music made for the bottom of the barrel in reality programming.

Well, except for last nite’s American Idol.  This episode was personally insulting as a music fan.  Not only did they sing an awful medley of Beatles tunes

And do even worse cover of “The Distance” by Cake

They actually used “A Day In The Life” as background music for the cast attending a movie premiere.  Positively dreadful!

And to make matters worse, Idol will feature Paul and John’s songs again next week.  I think that these two shows along with MTV’s My Super Sweet Sixteen are a sure sign that the apocalypse is soon approaching.


The Captain

1 Well, as bad as I could for a guy who just won 100 grand…

The Captain Is Embarrassed That He Watches Reality TV On FOX

With that being said, this week looks to be painfully wonderful on FOX.  Tonite was something that I have been dreading for a while:  The Beatles on American Idol.  While I’m not exactly an Idol fan, my lovely wife has been a fan of the Idol since the first season.  And as anyone in a long-term relationship know, you end up watching what your significant other enjoys.1

Until now I’ve had no problem watching the contestants on Idol butcher Gwen Stefani or Bon Jovi .  These artists already suck, so no damage done.  But I take offense when they take the hatchet to Paul and John.  Chickeasy’s was the only performance that didn’t make me want to punch Michael Jackson in the face for leasing Idol the broadcast rights.  The Mormon kid actually did a cover of Stevie Wonder’s cover of “We Can Work It Out.”  Ridiculous!

The only saving grace for me was that FOX continually broadcast a preview of tomorrow nite’s Moment Of Truth .  Normally this would make me less inclined to watch said show.  However, I actually know the guy on the hotseat tomorrow nite.  His name is Mike Greenland and he graduated from my high school two years before me.  Mike was B.M.O.C. at Hazelwood West back in the early 1990’s.

I’m gonna try as hard as I can not to take any personal satisfaction while watching Moment of Truth tomorrow nite.  But watching Mr. High School Cool admit to cheating on his wife on television might actually make me feel slightly better about myself.  Petty?  Yes.  Highly Entertaining?  Hell Yes!  I guess reality television on FOX brings out the worst in everyone.


The Captain

1  To be fair, Megan has sat through many a Cardinals game with a smile on her face.  I guess there are far worse things in life than American Idol.

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