Archive for February, 2010

The Captain Is Ready To Give Up The Fight

I’ve been fighting off a cold for over a week now and I am about ready to surrender.  Feeling perpetually run-down gets real old after about two days and I’m on day ten.  I actually skipped Mardi Gras in Soulard this year because I was worried about being outside all day in the weather!

So in the spirit of a low-energy Friday, today’s list is all about avoiding illness.

Top 5 Things I Do When I’m Getting Sick

1.  Pill up

When it comes to cold medication drugs I say yes to pretty much everything.  My first line of defense is always Advil Cold and Sinus.  Pseudoephedrine is quite possibly the best drug ever invented1.  After loading up on this, I’ll supplement it with Cold-Eez and Vitamin C pills.  If the situation appears to be getting worse I’ll bust out the big gun – NyQuil – but only if I’m planning on being out of commission for the next 24 hours.

2.  Avoid taking time off of work

For years, the opposite was true; I was always trying to burn off some of my never ending sick leave.  Now that my job uses Paid Time Off, I’m determined not to waste any of my time for a stupid cold.  It really is the best motivator available for keeping employees honest about their sickness.

3.  Sleep like I’m unemployed

Normally Megan does the lion’s share of sleeping in our house, except when I’m avoiding a cold.  I went to bed before Meg last nite for the first time in months.  In fact, I’m thinking about taking a nap right now.

4.  Eat comfort food

Normally I at least try and eat healthy, but it goes right out the window if I’m feeling sick.  Somehow I rationalize eating fried foods as if they’re just what my body needs to start feeling better.

5.  Whine

When I was younger, I liked to put up a tough front and pretend I wasn’t sick.  According to Megan, this is no longer the case.  Apparently I’ve replaced this with lying on the couch and whining.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go eat some french fries on the couch.

Ciao,

The Captain

1.  And thanks to all the meth heads in Missouri, I may soon need a doctor’s prescription to purchase anything with this wonderful drug in it.  But as long as they don’t outlaw pseudoephedrine, I’ll jump through whatever hoops necessary to get it.

The Captain Is A Cock Block

Today is a big day for Desmond, and I feel horrible about it.  Right now Desmond is at the Humane Society getting his furry little testicles removed.  I know it is for the best, but I still feel a little guilty about chopping his balls off.

Desmond has been a handful over the past two months.  With some things he is a huge pain in the ass and with others he is surprisingly calm; it’s hard to predict.  For instance, anything that falls on the ground in our house will immediately go in his mouth.  Here he is chewing on the tag to his sweater1

And here he is chewing on some cash.

Bitch better give Desmond his money!

While he may spaz out about the little things, Desmond is pretty calm about the big things.  Typical loud noises like thunder and the vacuum cleaner don’t faze him, and he was very calm for his first bath.

Desmond’s problems are mostly attributable to attentiveness and dominance.  While the hyperactivity is expected in a puppy, the dominance is a bit surprising.  Even though he’s a little guy, Desmond still thinks he is top dog.  We’ve tried to establish ourselves as in control over him, and we were mostly successful.  He treats me like an overbearing father and Megan as his loving mom, which means I’m the bad cop and she’s the good one.  We’re still working on a solution to this problem.

He is extremely excitable around other people and dogs, which was a bit of a problem in his first puppy class.  Desmond was so excited to see the other dogs that he had a hard time calming down for the lessons.  It was a six week class, and by the end he was doing much better.  Check out this sit.

Good boy!

Desmond was the smallest dog in class, and the only male.  It was actually quite funny to watch the littlest dog totally dominate the other five dogs.  Here is his graduation picture.

Even with all of his problems, Desmond is showing himself to be a really sweet little dog.  He is also a great drinking buddy.  Here is drinking gin & tonics with Dave.

And here he is living it up on martini nite with D.

For only being six pounds, that pup sure can hold his liquor.

While life with Desmond has taken a bit to get used to, on the whole I’ve had a great time with the little guy.  Which is why I feel so guilty about removing his manhood.  So let’s raise a glass to Desmond.  Thanks for taking one for the team.

Ciao,

The Captain

1.  Speaking of dog outfits, I am now determined to get a picture up of Desmond on my favorite new website, Hipster Puppies. I’m hoping that dressing him up in a sports jacket and big sunglasses will score him a spot.  Stay tuned.

The Captain Is Glad That Money Cant Buy Him Love

With Valentine’s Day near and my next mortgage payment always on the horizon, I’ve decided that the perfect gift for my wife this year is dedicating this week’s Friday 5 list to her.  I’m so thoughtful…

Heading towards our sixth year together I find that it’s easy for me to sometimes forget all the amazing things my wife does on a daily basis.  With that in mind, here’s to you Meg.  You’re the best evaevaeva!

Top 5 Things My Wife Does Better Than Anyone Else

1.  Cook

Anyone who knows Megan would probably agree that she is an amazing cook; she puts more thought and effort into cooking than I thought possible.  Megan is almost always thinking about food.  She has three subscriptions to cooking magazines and 40+ cookbooks in our kitchen.  She’s read so much that she’s moved on to what I call a food theorist.  Over our five+ years together she has managed to learn my tastes and can now accurately predict new meals I might enjoy; it’s like living with a gourmet chef.  I’m so used to her constant perfection that I don’t even try anymore.  The last time I attempted to cook a meal was probably April of 2006.  Since then I’ve pretty much lived in a constant epicurean haze thanks to my lovely wife.  She really is the best.

2.  Converse

Truth be told, I’m a bit of a talker.  Actually, I rarely shut up.  But still, I like to think of myself as a conversationalist; I believe that I could carry on a meaningful conversation with just about anyone.  As such, I’ve always known that I would end up marrying a fellow conversationalist. I’ve found that having a meaningful conversation with someone is tougher than it sounds; it involves equal parts listening and talking and it must occur with a person who has something to say.  Megan is the only woman I’ve even been with that understands how to have a good conversation.  When we converse it’s rarely one sided, which is saying a lot for me.  If communication makes a relationship strong, then ours’ is reinforced titanium.

3.  Fill A Pair Of Jeans

I’m not going to comment further on this one since I know that her family members read this occasionally.  Let me just say that my wife is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever been with and leave it at that.

4.  Clean House

Megan is an extremely clean person.  She’s not too clean, but she’s close1.  I consider her just sane enough to not be a germaphobe.  While I may find this trying a times, mostly I just enjoy the fruits of her labor.  My wife is a clean-machine and I love it.  The 3½ years I’ve lived with her have been the cleanest of my life.  Our house is spotless 95% of the time, and the other 5% is usually when I forget to do the dishes.  Our house is always presentable and I really appreciate all of the effort she puts into keeping it that way.

5.  Admit She Can’t Sing

Lots of girls can’t sing worth a damn, but Megan is the only woman I know that is a classically trained bad singer.  While obtaining her degree at New York University, Meg had to take singing classes as part of the curriculum.  So even though Megan has a terrible singing voice, she really knows how to project and use vibrato.  She has all of the training but a bad instrument. Megan KNOWS she can’t sing so she doesn’t let anyone pressure her into it.  Her singing is strictly for comedy’s sake and I love her for it.

Megan is the best and I’m lucky to call her my wife.  Happy Valentine’s Day!

Ciao,

The Captain

1.  As for me, I wouldn’t say that I’m an overly dirty or clean person; I like to think that I’m pretty clean for a straight guy.

The Captain Needs A Bad Guy

Normally I find the Super Bowl at least mildly entertaining, but this year I really couldn’t care less.  The Saints and the Colts seem like nice enough teams and therein lies the problem.  I really only enjoy the game when there is a team to root against.  I need a bad guy.

The five of the last six years of bowls have included the Steelers and the Patriots, teams hailing from cities I despise.  Boston and Pittsburg have some super obnoxious fans.  Most of my enjoyment derives from yelling at these evil empires, much in the same way I enjoy yelling at the Yankees or Red Sox.

There’s just nothing to hate about Indianapolis or New Orleans.  Dammit.  So I’m not bothering with this year’s Super Bowl.  Besides, pitchers and catchers report in 1½ weeks so who gives a shit.

Ciao,

The Captain

The Captain Is Available For Hire

This weekend looks to be another bore fest.  I’ll be locked indoors for 48 hours at the Gateway Medical facility in St. Charles.  It’s a fairly easy way to make some money in my off time.  Over the years I’ve employed many different methods to obtain money on the sly.  Seems like a great topic for a Friday 5.

Top 5 Quick Money Schemes

1.  Medical Testing Subject

I’ve been using pharmaceutical testing as a means of supplemental income for most of the last decade, and it looks to be a part of my plan again this year.  Whenever I tell someone that I’m getting paid for drug testing, the inevitable reaction is “Be careful, man.”  It seems as though the average person has based their opinion solely on the movie Senseless1.

Pharmaceutical testing sounds kind of scary and dangerous, but in reality it’s just boring.  The company that pays me is Gateway Medical.  Gateway tests generic forms of brand name pharmaceuticals already on the market to see how long they stay in the blood stream.  It’s the same routine every time.  I usually check in on a Friday nite, sleep in a bunk bed on an army type sleeping barracks, take one pill on Saturday morning and then have a tiny amount of blood drawn about 20+ times in the next 36 hours.

The hardest thing about it is fighting the crippling boredom.  Since I’m not allowed to leave the building area I’m stuck trying to entertain myself for 48 hours in a strange place.  Mostly I just watch movies on my laptop, surf the web, or play videogames if I feel like dragging a TV and my PS3 to the study.  And for my two weekends worth of boredom I’m getting paid $800.  It’s basically just a really strange part time job.

2.  Nude Modeling

Speaking of strange part time jobs, the strangest one of all was probably nude modeling for art classes druing my freshman year of college.  Back then I was a typical broke college kid with no need for a real job but always looking for some extra cash.  I noticed on the campus job board an ad for nude models that paid $12/hour.  In 1996 that was a lot of money for a guy like me.  By the next week I was in art classes wearing nothing but a smile.  I quickly learned the only role of nude modeling:  bring a robe.

I was a little nervous at first, but I felt at ease once I realized that the students were mostly focusing on the curve of my shoulder.  As it turns out, no one likes drawing the male anatomy.  In 99% of the drawings the artist just shaded in my crotch.  After the first few times it ceased being embarrassing and became really dull.  Remaining perfectly still for up to an hour is real boring.  Still, I kept it up for about a semester but I eventually quit when I noticed pictures of me kept appearing on walls in the art annex.  Even though it was mostly vague pencil drawings, I was pretty easy to identify since I was the only person on campus spotting the mid-nineties Trent Reznor look.

3.  Scalping Cardinals Tickets

This was a great sounding idea I had back in 2005 that wound up being a big waste of time.  As a partial Cardinals’ season ticket holder for the upcoming 2005 season, I had access to a presale for single season tickets.  I decided to buy some good seats for a few marquee games and try to scalp them for a profit.  It only worked out well for the home opener; I sold two tickets on eBay for a decent profit.  After that, it became a struggle for me just to get the money back that I had invested.  Some asshole burnt me on eBay by not paying me after I mailed him the tickets he won, so I tried hawking them in front of the stadium before games.  This was a huge pain in the ass.  Standing on a corner yelling and trying to haggle with drunk rednecks is bad enough, but having to compete with all of those weirdoe scalpers wearing I Need Tickets signs is almost unbearable.

By the end of the season I managed to come out like $5 ahead, which makes this by far the most work I’ve ever done for the least payback.

4.  Office Temping

As it turns out, this was the least amount of work I’ve performed with the largest payback.  Back in 2001 I temped at my Aunt Jackie’s work for a few of days to help her with some filing.  While filing is pretty dull and tedious, the pay was decent (and tax free!)  During this brief temping gig a colleague of my Aunt Jackie recommended me to a small business that was looking to hire someone for data entry.  That recommendation spawned a two year job that took me to most of the states in the lower 48.  It also was responsible for eventually employing several of my friends, a few of which still work at said small business.  All that from two weeks’ worth of filing payroll binders!

5.  Tenacious Trivia

I hooked up with the hip folks over at Tenacious Trivia back in the fall of 2008.  At the time it was an ideal way for me to pick up a couple of extra bucks.  The job mainly consisted of sitting in a bar and cracking some mildly funny jokes while reading trivia into a microphone.  Plus they let me play my own playlists from the iTunes on my iPhone!  It was a sweet gig that necessarily had to come to an end last year.  Taking the Metrolink to and from work every day for most of 2009 made it impossible for me to participate in most evening activities.  Now that I am back to driving every day I’ve been contemplating returning to the world of Tenacious Trivia.  Maybe I’ll give them a call once our puppy settles down a bit.  So, 2013 it is…

Ciao,

The Captain

1.  Even though I’ve explained to my mom numerous times what a medical study is and what it does, she still makes the same “have you started glowing green” joke when I mention it.  Damn you Marlon Wayans.

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