Archive for May, 2011

The Captains State Of Destruction

This weekend I was pondering the fact that it has been a decade since I’ve lived in Springfield, Missouri.  A few weeks after graduating college in May 2001 I packed up my Ford Escort and moved back in with my Mom in St. Louis.  What particularly struck me about being ten years removed from Springfield is how little I can remember about the town.  Granted, it’s been over five years since I’ve been back to visit.  But I’ve largely forgotten what it was like to live in southwest Missouri.  And then I saw the news last nite that Joplin had been leveled by a tornado.

While I’ve never lived in Joplin, I did visit it a bunch during my college years.  I dated two girls who grew up in Joplin and I went back with them to visit quite a few times.  One girl’s family owned a local restaurant, Pizza By Stout.  Last nite she wrote on her Facebook wall that the restaurant was destroyed but her family was safe and unharmed.  I’m glad that luck was with her and her family.

I remember what the commercial strip on the south side of town looks like, and now it’s gone.  The pictures from the wreckage are intense.  I found this one particularly striking.

Yesterday was a bad day for Missouri.  My thoughts go out to all of the people affected by this terrible tragedy.



The Captain

The Captain Throws Back A Keg Or Two

I’m a Missourian, so therefore I drink a lot of beer.  A LOT.  But in Missouri, it’s not enough to just drink a lot of beer, there is also a need to prove that you can drink more beer than the next guy (or gal).  And for that there are drinking games.  But sometimes even drinking games are not enough to prove that you can drink more beer than your peers.  For that there are drinking competitions.

Drinking competitions involve massive amounts of people and massive amounts of beer.  A drinking completion in its simplest form is the Keg-Off.  This competition consists of two teams of at least ten people spending an afternoon trying to drain their keg first.  To increase the speed of beer consumption, each team is supplied with two beer pitchers and one beer bong.  This tends to be more of a social affair, but still produces clear winners and losers1.

But for those with true grit and a hardened liver, the only true completion is Beer Olympics.  This classic event pits teams of four head to head in a series of timed events to see who can consume the most beer the fastest.  Beer Olympics was THE event of the semester during my college years, and it proved so popular that it carried on after college.  My buddy Rina of Rinawear started the tradition here in St. Louis several years ago.  My sister and I both put together teams back in 2005 to compete, and her team won!  Cathie and I had so much fun that we decided to throw our own Beer Olympics at our house the next year.  That was five years ago today!

So in honor of the fifth anniversary of our Beer Olympics, allow me to take a stroll down a beer soaked memory lane.

There were five guys teams:  The Chugging Chimps

The Guzzling Giraffes

The Urinating Unicorns

The Pig Fuckers

And the Camel Toes

There were also three girls teams:  The Booze Hounds

The Guzzling Gators

And the reigning champs The Dam Beavers.

The Captain did the hosting, and I relied on a few good friends to do the refereeing.

The competition consisted of five events: The Over-Under Pitcher Chug

The Beer Shots Table

The Three-Legged/Piggyback Beer Chug

Beer Calisthenics

And The Baseball Bat Twirl Chug.

Unfortunately, during the last event one of the contestants was so dizzy from spinning around a baseball bat that he ran head first into the corner of our deck and split his head open.

But 13 staples later he was back at the party and crowned MVP.  He received a shirt signed by the whole party, which more than made up for the gaping wound in his head.

The winner of the day were the Urinating Unicorns

And the defending champions, Dam Beavers

My sister and her friends sure can drink.  They did better than a couple of the men’s teams!

Overall, the event was way more work than I imagined and way more fun than I had planned.  Looking back, I’m amazed that there weren’t more injuries and destruction.  You can check out all the pics from 5 years ago over here on my Flickr page.


The Captain

1.  As anyone who has participated in a drinking competition can tell you, losing is brutal.  The losing team is usually just as drunk as the winning team, but now they feel dejected and defeated.  This often leads to stuff getting broken.

The Captain Would Love To Converse With A Puppet

Conversations with Bert is the best new idea I’ve heard all week.  Check out part one of my new favorite series:

As you just witnessed, combining Bert with other comedy legends more than just an exercise in greatness, it’s informative too.  For example, I agree that Rayon would be a good fabric to become if I had the choice.  I can’t wait for the thrilling conclusion of the interview!  Until then, who’s up for a milk break – Captain Style!!!


The Captain

The Captain Loves A Uneven Fight

Earlier this week Jon Stewart made an appearance on The O’Reilly Factor to discuss the fake controversy that Fox News created regarding the rapper Common performing at The White House.  If you haven’t seen the footage, here are the four segments that aired:





This whole controversy was so ridiculous from the get-go and I’m happy that Jon was around to point out said ridiculousness.  Trying to make Common out at some thugged out, cop killer is laughable to anyone under 40.  Common music is almost exclusively positive message and loved by white folks; like he’s the Cuba Gooding Jr. of rap.1

And while I think that almost anyone with a decent knowledge of pop culture could make the argument that Jon makes, very few could put it as eloquently as him.  That man is a national treasure.  He laid out his argument so well that O’Reilly was basically agreeing with him by then end of the segment.  And in a rare sign of reason, O’Reilly’s audience even agreed with Jon.  Check out this online survey take on

Keep up the good work Mr. Stewart!


The Captain

1.  I was gonna say that Common is the Will Smith of rap, but actually Will Smith is the Will Smith of rap.

The Captains Tuesday Is Ladies Nite: MR 2011-12

Hey ladies!  Are you ready for some tunes?!  Ok!  Here’s Will Do by TV On The Radio:   


These art rockers are getting down the only way they know how, intellectually!  A bit too weird for you?  Want something more straight to the point?  Try She’s Enough by Atmosphere:


It doesn’t get any more honest than that!  So ladies, please enjoy this week’s Two For Tuesday.  Fellas, next week I’ll throw some action your way.




The Captain


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