The Captain Is Ready For April

March is lame.  There, I said it.  The whole month feels like one giant placeholder to me; I’m ready for April on March 1st.

Why the disdain for the third month of the calendar?  Funny you should ask, seeing as it’s the topic of this week’s Friday 5.

Top 5 Reasons I Hate March In St. Louis

1.  The Weather

March weather in St. Louis is not quite as bad as January or February which is what bothers me.  I expect the first two months of the year to be cold and miserable.  Any nice day in February feels like a treat.  March often has a few nice days, like yesterday’s 82° and sunny weather.  But then it goes back to being cold and rainy.  The tease of nice weather is much worse to me than constant cold.  March’s weather just makes me impatient.

2.  March Fucking Madness

Besides baseball, I don’t give too much of a shit about other sports.  I’ll watch pro-football if a team I like is doing well, or hockey if the Blues have a good team.  But I always refuse to watch basketball.  I don’t understand the appeal of a sport where 100-200 points are scored in a game, and where physical size is more important than skill.

Even worse to me is watching college sports; I prefer pro athletes.  As much as I like professional baseball, I struggle to watch minor league ballgames.  So why the hell would I want to watch a rotating team of 19 year olds play a sport at a subpar level?  So naturally, the worst of the worst for me is the NCAA Basketball Tournament.  It baffles me when people won’t shut up about “brackets” and their “Sweet 16” picks.  Take that noise elsewhere.  All I’m thinking about in March is how many more days till Cardinals opening day.  And it’s always too many.

3.  St. Patricks Day

This didn’t bother me much when I was a kid, mostly because people didn’t take it very seriously back in those days.  Now it seems that a great deal too many people think this is a real holiday.  I saw WAY to many decorations all over yesterday and my coworkers were decked out in bright green clothes.  Some even wore shamrock beads and plastic green hats.  Worse, everyone kept making jokes about drinking alcohol when I know that most of them do not drink.

First off, I don’t need a good reason or a special occasion to drink.  And the Irish ESPECIALLY don’t need one.

Second, who gives a shit about the Irish in St. Louis?  This town was founded by French and German settlers, not the Irish.  It’s why we have a big Mardi Gras and Oktoberfest every year.  The Irish and St. Patty’s Day can Erin Go Blow Me.

4.  Lent

March is usually a full month of Lent, which is worthless in my book.  Don’t get me wrong, I think the idea of giving up a vice now and then is a good thing.  But the idea that God wants me to deprive myself to prove I’m down with him is ridiculous.  Even worse is this no meat on Friday nonsense.  No one has ever been able to sufficiently explain to me why the Lord is cool with me eating a dead fish but not a dead chicken.  Besides, fish in St. Louis is terrible.  The idea of eating deep fried frozen fish products in the basement of a church on a Friday nite sounds terrible on so many levels.

5.  The Month After Sweeps

As much as I like to pretend otherwise, I do watch a fair amount of television.  And while February is enjoyable for sweeps month, it produces a large amount of repeats for March.  For example, The Daily Show, The Colbert Report and Conan are all on break this week.  This wouldn’t be so bad if the weather was nice and I could enjoy some outdoor activities.  But once again, it’s MARCH.


The Captain

4 Responses to “The Captain Is Ready For April”

  • BOOO. Fish Frys in St. Louis are one of the greatest things on earth. Join a Fish Fry Club. They are amazing!

  • Cathie:

    Agree, agree, agree. I just said earlier this week “March is my least favorite month”.
    Also “Month after Sweeps”- I thought you were making a 30 Rock joke. You know when Tina Fey is dating that British guy named Wesley and they both hate each other? She says Spring Cleaning, and he calls it Sweeps and she rolls her eyes.

  • hollmantron:

    I realize this is an older post, but i’m Irish Catholic and decided now is a good time to bring this up.

    March is the month i spend most effort on my Cathlocism tho. For the very reason of lent.

    But i do hate basketball as well

  • […] As I’ve mentioned before, March is probably my least favorite month.  College basketball and midgets in leprechaun outfits don’t really get my rocks off.  We’re not even a week into March and I’m ready for it to be April. […]

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