The Captain Supports Universal Healthcare

It’s been a long two months since our furry little boy first broke his leg.  And now he is finally back to normal!

Desmond finally has his cast off and his stitches out!  He’s back to being the hyperactive pup that I love.  Now all Desmond needs is for the hair to grow back over his gnarly scar and he should be good as new.

Sitting in the waiting room during Desmond’s last weekly visit to the Vet on Tuesday I started think about all of the times that I’ve had to go to the hospital for something serious in my life.  Of course my brain immediately went into blog mode and I rattled off a Top 5 list in my mind.  And here we go.

Top 5 Trips To The Hospital

1.  The time I hit a concrete embankment with my face

Back in 2004 I managed to smash head first into a concrete embankment.  In one fell swoop I managed to dislocate my left shoulder, break off half of two tooth, bloody my nose and give myself a black eye.  Worse, at the time I was about two miles from the cabin where I was staying and about thirty minutes from a hospital. Even worse, I was six months removed from having health insurance.

Megan and my sister rushed me to the Missouri Baptist Hospital in Sullivan, where I informed the E.R. receptionist that I needed my shoulder popped back into place.  Knowing I was insured, I refused all other treatment.  Accordingly, I sat in the waiting room until a doctor came out and popped it back in the socket right there in front of everyone.  We grabbed an arm sling, wiped some blood off of my face, and headed back to St. Louis1.

Everything was eventually fixed after a long and drawn out process.  I ended up settling with some people and got them to pay for my medical expenses.  The only real downside is that this happened two weeks before I was due to start Graduate School, so I had to go to my first couple of classes looking like Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel.

2.  The time I had a piece of my nose removed

Let me say up front that I did not get a nose job.

I did not get a nose job.

When I was in high school I took a series of allergy test and they noticed that I had a deviated septum.  The cartilage in my nose grew in wrong and it was blocking the air ducts on my nose.  On my allergists advice I signed up for what they said was routine surgery to fix my deviated septum.  It was way more than I had in mind.

While I was knocked out, the surgeon stuck a bunch of sharp stuff up my nose and cut out the pieces of cartilage blocking my air ducts.  On the plus side this left no scarring.  On the negative side, all of the blood from the surgery drained to my stomach.

When I awoke after the surgery, my nose was covered inside and out with gauze and I felt super nauseous.  I spent the next half an hour puking up a terrible looking vomit/blood hybrid before I was kicked out of the outpatient room and sent home.  I know in the grand scope of surgeries, this was pretty mild.  But it sure kicked my ass.

3.  The time that I had cooties

Back in my early teen years I had a case of scabies, which is about the closest thing to actually having cooties.  Scabies are little mites that live in dead skin cells that itch like crazy.  It was like having full body fleas.

After days of scratching myself raw, my mom finally took me to the hospital to talk to my doctor.  He diagnosed it right away as scabies.  After the diagnosis he asked me, right in front of my mother, how long I had been sexually active.  I turned beet red and sheepishly admitted that I was still a virgin.  Most awkward hospital visit ever2!

Getting rid of the scabies was a huge undertaking.  I had to rub a cream all over my body and the try and sleep with absolutely no scratching.  This was nearly impossible.  After hours of staring at the ceiling in my bedroom while I could feel tiny mites jumping off of my body, I broke down and found a pair of disposable gloves and scratched the shit out of myself.  It was a very long nite.

Of course nowadays there is a pill that will kill them all pretty quick…

4.  The time I flew off of a skateboard and landed on my elbow

After the summer of my sophomore year of college I managed to dislocate my elbow in a skateboarding accident.  I managed to land on my elbow so that it crammed the bone all the way into the socket.  Basically, my arm was stuck at a ninety degree angle for a month while it slowly regained mobility.  I had to wear a sling the whole time, but no cast.  As it turned out this was actually an odd bit of luck.  My injury required me to quit my summer job as a mover, so I spent the rest of the summer traveling and hanging out with friends.

5.  The time I slid into the edge of my mom’s coffee table

When I was real little and living in New Jersey, I somehow managed to slide across the floor of the living room and right into the sharp corner of the coffee table.  The impact managed to split open the skin above my left eye, and I was rushed to the hospital to get stitches.  It was pretty minor, but it is responsible for the only scar I have on my body.

Ciao,

The Captain

1.  The bill for popping an arm back into socket with no insurance: $1,750.00

2.  We eventually figured out I got them from a camping trip with my Boy Scout troop.  Why he didn’t start with “When was the last time you were camping?” is beyond me.

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